Eleven days: How long I've been home.
Eleven months: How long I'd been gone.
Eleven years: How long it's been since I first wanted to go on a mission trip.
It's still hard to believe I'm home. I mean, eleven days isn't all that long. I'm still getting used to how life works back here in the good ol' US of A, I'm still not over my jetlag or caught up on all the sleep I lost in the last year, and I'm still working on adjusting to life at home. Some days I feel so tired and emotional that I don't know what to do. Some days are fairly easy to get through and then others are harder than I thought they would be. Some days I just miss my team and the squad and being able to sit down with someone and have a heart-to-heart conversation. I also miss the foreign languages - I guess I just got used to people not understanding most of what I said.
There are definitely things that are different for me now than they were before the Race: I've been really paying attention to water usage and I'll turn the water off if I think someone's been running it for too long. I'm way more gracious with my siblings (at least for now!). My schedule is pretty open right now so I'm saying "yes" to a lot of things whereas before I was so busy that "no" was a huge word in my vocabulary.
There are also things that are pretty much the same as before (and on) the Race: I have a large family so "alone time" is virtually non-existent. If I really want to have a good cry I feel like I can't because someone is likely to see me and start asking questions when I just want to be left alone. I have to fight daily to make sure that I have my personal time with God. The key to avoiding/solving most problems is COMMUNICATION.
One of the most-asked questions that I've had since returning home is: "How is it being home?" Honestly I don't really know how to answer that one. There were so many times on the Race when I thought that "at least people at home understand me and where I'm coming from", but now I catch myself thinking: "how do I relate to these people when I've had a completely different experience this year?" My usual answer is that it's been okay, or "the jury's still out on that one", or something like that; but at the risk of offending people, the real answer is that I didn't want to come home (at least not to live) and I'm still not sure how I feel about being home. I've lived here for 22 years before leaving for the World Race. I know the ins and outs of my family and how they work, their personalities, their strengths and weaknesses, and how hard it can be to live here. I know that it's not the environment I would choose in order to continue to live the way I want to and implement the things that God has been teaching me this year. I also know that this is where God wants me and has me right now and I'm going to try to make the most of it for His glory; it's just not where I would have picked if given the choice.
Over the years God has shown me that it's in my family where I can have the greatest ministry and impact; I just don't always get a lot of support. My relationships with my siblings have been strengthened exponentially simply by my living at home for so long and allowing them to see me grow in my walk with Christ. There are things that I have learned this year that may need to be displayed in my family before I am ready to take them to the rest of the world; it's just hard to see the big picture sometimes when all I see right in front of me are random pieces of the puzzle.
Another question I have been asked a lot is: "What's next?" Yup, you guessed it: I don't know how to answer this one either! There's a big difference between sitting in Thailand saying that I don't know what God has for me next and that I'll just be patient and wait for Him, and actually being home living out the "patient waiting". I have some ideas of things I want to do. I have discovered some new interests and passions that I want to test out. I have also realized that I don't like the idea of having a standard 8-5 job! (something that I may have to get over real soon...)
There are decisions that I need to make soon that could affect how my next year looks, but part of me doesn't want to decide anything just yet because I'm still trying to appreciate the fact that I am now back with my family and friends and I want to take time to enjoy them instead of thinking about how soon I may be leaving them again. Long story short, I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who holds my future! God has plans for me and they are good ones. He's got me and I don't have to worry about making the "right" decision or worry that I'm going to ruin His plan for me. I am seeking His will daily and I know He'll lead me in the right direction. Praise God He's my Loving Father!!!
It was just this morning in church that I realized just how important this year was to me in regard to community. We were singing "Mighty to Save" and I started thinking about all the worship times we had together and just how much like family worship sessions they were. Whether we were in a bar in Ireland, a church in Romania, a hostel in Turkey, a tent in Kenya, a "living room" in Cambodia, or a rooftop in Thailand, God was there! It's weird to be in a big church where everyone is standing in rows, looking forward, and many are only singing half-heartedly when I've gotten used to a small group of people standing, sitting, walking, or kneeling before the throne of God, truly singing our hearts out to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and begging for the Holy Spirit to make His presence known.
I realized that even though there were times I didn't really feel at home, J Squad became my family as the year went on. We knew each other. We loved each other no matter what. We held each other accountable. We were there to receive all we could from God in order to pour it out on the people of this world and on each other. We were a squad unified in worship and praise of our Father and that is why we became family. We were not satisfied with knowing about God, we pressed in to KNOW God even when it was painful. This is the kind of community I want and I am so privileged to have been able to experience it with J Squad.
Even though the World Race is over for us, our personal "races" are not. We are called to "run the race in such a way as to gain the prize" and that is true whether we feel like we are in strong community or fighting battles on our own. I will continue to be lifting up my brothers and sisters from J Squad daily as we continue to pursue Christ in our "post-Race" lives.
Thank you all so much for following my blog throughout this year. I don't know how much I'll be posting on here in the future, but I appreciate your faithfulness in keeping me in your prayers. God Bless!!!
~Brenda
(pictures by Sam Mongonia, Priscilla Cheng, and Brenda Benson)
I'm heading home from the World Race
and experiencing a wide array of emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc.
Please pray that God will give me the grace and wisdom I need to
readjust to life at home for a while. I can't really put into words
just yet what this year has meant to me, so I also want to ask for
grace from all of you as I readjust to life back home.
Thank you for all your prayers
throughout this year; and for those who will be at home or at my
sister's wedding on Saturday I will see you in a couple days!!
This month in Chiang Mai has been one
of the hardest, yet also one of the most rewarding months for me this
Race.
Hard: It's our eleventh
month; I am physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually
exhausted; and we have crazy hours for our work-days. We work six
days a week at WonGen Kafe from 9:30am to 2pm and then pray together
from 8:30pm to 9:30pm for protection and for the girls we'll be
talking to and then we head out to the bars until 11:30ish when we
come back, pray together again for a little while, and then fall into
bed around 12:30am. Hard because the students at the universities
that we visit every day aren't very interested in conversation most
days. Hard because the girls in the bars are skeptical, guarded, and
mostly not interested in anything other than their next drink or game
of pool. (I have loved the chance to play pool nearly every night,
though!) Hard because when you think you've made progress in a
relationship the girl decides that she no longer wants to talk to
you. Hard because it seems that some days we're just on "autopilot"
when we know we need to be really engaged.
Rewarding: There is a
YWAM team here living/working with us (they work the afternoon shift
at the cafe) and in talking to one of the girls the other night she
really got us fired up about the crazy ways God answers prayer. After
our conversation Priscilla and I started talking about the things we
still want to see God do in our last few days here. The next morning
Team Redeemed and Emmi, our contact, made a list of 16 prayer
requests - some outrageous and some not so much - that we are
expecting God to answer, separated into three categories: before we
leave Chiang Mai, before we leave Thailand, and before we actually
arrive home. This is a practical, tangible way that we can keep our
focus here and on God's work, and we look forward to the daily
praises this prayer list brings as some of these prayers are already
being answered!
One of the requests is that at least
one of the girls will choose to leave the bars and seek employment
elsewhere and also seek discipleship and to know more about Christ. Chelsea has a crazy story about how God led her to Pai, and the other
day Pai asked Chelsea if there was a way she could help her find work
somewhere else!!! Emmi and Pai had a long conversation and Emmi came
to us today to ask if we would pray about sponsoring Pai to work at
WonGen for a year! Praise God who answers prayer!! Some of the other
requests are beginning to be answered as well, and some don't seem to
be being answered yet, but God is faithful and it is so fun to see
Him work!
Thank you for your continued prayers as
we serve God here in Thailand.
There's this workout program going
around the J Squad called Insanity. The drill sergeant - Shaun-T -
has this mantra that he says whenever we small people are getting
tired and laying on the floor. It's "Dig Deeper". It means that
we need to breathe deeper, work harder, and find the strength inside
us to continue. It doesn't always work; in fact, it mostly doesn't as
we are in 90+ degree heat and have no way to add extra protein or
anything else into our diet. Chelsea and I both have experienced
light-headedness and other things that have made us re-think our
daily workout commitment for this month, but that's beside the point.
I was thinking the other day, though,
that we're 10+ months into this Race and we only have a few short
weeks left. We are having to fight through each day when we feel
weak, exhausted and ready to go home, and it came to me that we
really have to "dig deeper" into our faith and the reasons we're
here and press on. We have a strength inside us - the Holy Spirit -
that none can match. We really do have the strength, and with Him we
can do anything. It doesn't matter that we get up early each morning
and then are out until after 12. It doesn't matter whether or not we
really love what we're doing. What matters is that we are here
because God has called us to be and if we allow Him, He will give us
the strength to make it to the end. We literally have days left.
Let's push into the sprint at the end of the race and give it all
we've got and more. Let's "DIG DEEPER" and finish this Race well!
Below is a blog from Team Ninja about their contact from Cambodia and the vision he has for transforming his village. Please read it, watch the video, and prayerfully consider support this young man.
Thank you. -Brenda
We have met incredible people all over
the world during this past year. We have gotten to live day in and day
out with people who are putting it all on the line to follow God's
vision for their lives. We leave most months inspired and thankful that
God would allow us to see the ways in which He is moving throughout the
world.
This past month our team (Team Ninja)
worked with one such inspiring person. If you've been following along
with Team Ninja during May, you've already heard about him. His name is
Vuthy Nurn, and he lives in a small, remote village in Cambodia called
Toch Village. He was born in the village but spent his childhood in
Phnom Penh, the capital. After a few rebellious years, he accepted
Christ through YWAM. Almost immediately God laid a vision on his heart
for how Vuthy could transform his village.
Vuthy's vision is almost as big as his
heart. His vision includes building a home for abandoned children from
the village, as well as for orphaned street kids from Phnom Penh. He
wants to construct a youth center for the local youth from his village
and the surrounding area. He wants a place for the youth to gather to
learn about God, to have a space for a computer lab, and to run English
classes. He currently runs English classes every day for local children
and youth.
Throughout the month our team caught
Vuthy's vision. We believe that God is working mightily through his
life. In order for Vuthy to be able to see these dreams come to pass in
reality, he will need financial support. He needs money to begin the
initial process to build both the orphanage and the youth center.
Please watch the video that we have put together to give you a more
complete picture of Vuthy and his vision. We hope that you will be able
to see the amazing things that will come out of your donations to his
project.
With love,
Team Ninja and all of J Squad
If you wish to donate to this cause, please go
to www.theworldrace.organd follow these instructions.
1. Click the tab "Donate" on the top right
side of the page.
2. Click on the link "Click Here To Give!" This will take you
to the donation page.
In the box that appears, you will see:
ONLINE DONATION INFORMATION
3.
Please select "Support a World Race Project"
under Choose Program.
4. Please enter "2010 Jun J squad" in the Project
field provided in order to be sure your funds will go into the account
designated for this ministry.
If you wish to send a donation by mail, please
make your check payable to Adventures In Missions and mail it to:
Adventures In Missions
P.O. Box 534470
Atlanta, GA 30353-4470
Please indicate "World Race
Project Fund - 2010 Jun J
squad" in the memo section
of the check.
God does not want to be first in my life. He does not want to be my top priority. No. He wants to be the center of my existence. My life is supposed to revolve around Him and when my life, my thoughts, my words, my actions, my habits, my desires, are all centered and focused on him then my life will stop being about me and what I want and it will start being about Him and what He wants. As Ian Thomas says: "The Christian life can be explained only in terms of Jesus, and if your
life as a Christian can still be explained in terms of you - your
personality, your willpower, your gift, your talent, your money, your
courage, your scholarship, your dedication, your sacrifice, or your
anything - then although you may have the Christian life, you are not
yet living it!"
Everything in my life must flow out of my focus on, relationship with, and dependence in Him.
Family Love Music
Dreams Ministry Etc.
Exodus 20:5 says that God is a jealous God, and that is right after the command to have no idols. I don't think He's prescribing that we rank the things in our life and just make sure we pay a little more attention to God than to whatever's second on our list in order to keep Him happy.
Our God is a jealous God and He wants all our attentions, all our affections, all of our everything so that we have nothing left to give to anyone or anything else. Then, and only then, we are in the position to allow Him to love through us, to think through us, to breathe through us.
It is now "Christ in you, the hope of glory" (Col. 1:27) who is in every breath, every look, every sound. It is "the Holy Spirit who dwells within us" (1 Tim. 1:14) who will guide every step of the life we are now living.
This is not a goal to achieve, it doesn't even seem fully attainable in this life, but this is the life with Christ we've been called to and it's a daily battle for our souls. Who will rise to the call and "fight the good fight of the faith [and] take hold of the eternal life to which you were called" (1 Tim. 6:12)?
Life is short; don't take it for
granted. Live with eternity in mind. You don't know if you'll have
tomorrow. How many times have we all heard these sayings and many
more, and didn't think twice about it? We all know that we're going
to die someday, but no one wants to think that it might be today.
Well, we really don't know when our
last day on earth will be.
On Sunday morning in Cambodia, so
Saturday night back home, the dad of one of my teammate's died. It
was unexpected. As a matter of fact he had just been cleared by his
doctor to resume normal activity after having had heart surgery last
month. Over the course of this year we have seen the relationship
between this father and daughter grow and develop into something
precious. She had been praying for him in different areas and had
seen major growth and changes happening in his life. They were making
plans to hang out together after the Race and were even planning the
big hugs they would give each other at the airport. Their's was a
really special relationship. The last time they talked was before we
left for our last village in Cambodia on May 21. A few of us heard
snippets of the conversation and we laughed at how goofy they were
together. He was an amazing man, a great father and grandfather, and
most importantly he loved the Lord with all of his being.
As we have mixed up and changed teams
in preparation for separate girl's and guy's ministry this month we
are now having to move on without a key member of our team. I feel
like there's a hole in my heart and I'm sure I'm not the only one who
feels that way. She'll be back for our final debrief, but her final
month of ministry will be one that will continue after the rest of us
return home and get re-acclimated to "normal" life. Her new
"normal" is one that none of us ever thought we'd have to face.
We have left our homes and loved ones
for nearly a year of serving God overseas, trusting that He will take
care of things back home. We are under serious spiritual attack and
we haven't even "officially" started our ministry for the month.
We will be working with men and women in the sex industry here in
Thailand: in Chiang Mai and Phuket. God has some amazing things
planned because it seems that Satan is working overtime to distract
us in any way possible, from illnesses to divorces to deaths to weird
family issues to worries about the future to anything else he can
think of.
PLEASE KEEP US ALL IN YOUR PRAYERS!! We brothers and
sisters of J Squad are all committed to pressing on through trials,
challenges, fatigue, etc. to see His Kingdom come here in Thailand
this month. We want to finish the race well but we need your help.
DON'T STOP PRAYING.
This month our work has included a lot
of children's ministry. From teaching Sunday School to teaching
English to just playing with them we've spent a lot of time with
kids. As soon as we arrived back from our second village we had a
meeting with Karen, the Teams Coordinator at New Life Fellowship, the
church that we were working under this month, for feedback and
discussion.
When I was asked what my highlights of
the month were I answered that it was the kids. In both villages we
had extensive contact with children, both formal and informal, and I
said that it was very apparent how hungry the kids are to be loved
and to know more about God and His Word. Karen then told us about the
4-14 Window. It is a relatively new term, but it represents the fact
that about 70 percent of the world's children ages 4-14 live inside
the 10-40 Window, the countries that have the largest unreached
people groups in the world. These children are the future leaders of
their countries and our world and they need to hear about Jesus!
She explained that as part of New
Life's ministry in Phnom Penh they have workers going to the slums
and the dump every week to hold Sunday Schools and VBS type
ministries and many of the kids want to come to the church on Sundays
but there's not enough room. New Life uses two
building's roof spaces for the children's Sunday School on Sundays
and there is no extra space for more kids. The best they can do for
those kids right now is to keep sending workers to them, but even
then there aren't enough people to reach all the kids. I nearly
started crying as I realized the ramifications of what she was
saying: "These kids need to hear about Jesus, but there's no space
in the church and there aren't enough people who care to go tell them
about Him and practically live out His love".
I am so glad for the part that our
World Race teams have played in the lives of kids around the world
but sometimes the job seems so big: there are so many more kids in
the world who haven't heard about Jesus yet. Romans 10:14-15a says,
"How are they to call on Him in whom they have not believed? And
how are they to believe in Him of whom they have never heard? And how
are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to
preach unless they are sent?"
My challenge is this: Don't overlook
the importance the children of today have in the world of tomorrow.
If you have any children in your life at all, don't waste the
opportunity to change their lives for eternity by sharing Christ's
love with them today. Is there enough room
in your heart to love a child with the love of Christ?